the fear of…

loneliness.

On my most recent visit – and it’s been awhile since – to see Heather, I talked mostly about how my anxiety was back but not as strong as before. I mean…I don’t think the anxiety ever left but I was able to control/maintain how I felt about things up until recently. With the beginning of the new year I’m looking forward to new experiences and a fresh set of eyes on this city but I can’t help but also feel anxious about what’s to come: finding a new apartment, living alone, Elliott being by himself during the day, figuring out career moves. For me, it’s a lot.

Heather imagines that I’m on a stick (I like to imagine it’s a blade of wheat) and I’m clinging onto it while the wind is blowing me every which way. It’s the kind of swaying from side to side that makes you feel like you’re gonna drop and not be caught. She described that I seemed to be holding on but because I don’t feel secure I’m in full-fledged panic mode. I definitely don’t have the same systems as I had when I moved up here. I’m in total honesty, scared. Scared to be by myself, doing things by myself, scared I don’t have regular people to talk to (in person).

We came up with an end goal. That I rely on myself and not others around. I know I can be self-sufficient – i mean, I used to be. Over time, I think I lost that part of my identity since I relied so much on my relationship and then I relied on my family to be around when I was living at home. I’m working on being o.k with being alone. It’s going to be a long struggling process. But in the end it’ll be good for me. I know that.

Of course this is not a snub to the friends I do have who are great at talking me through issues…I guess it’s a different kind of support system that I’m not quite able to put into words. Hopefully one of these days I can.

xx/jack

 

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