can’t sleep – 1:25am – 09/11/2018

I can’t sleep right now even though I’m so so tired. My brain is buzzing with too many thoughts and no amount of meditation or mindfulness is helping me right now.

First off, it’s 09/11. I can’t say much more than that because I’ll go into a panic.

Second off, it’s about my Lola (grandma). I’ve realized that in the last three weeks I haven’t spoken to her for more than three minutes per phone call. There’s been three or four between us in total – the last three weeks. I used to call her for thirty minutes every day on my way home from work. More so when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia/Alzheimer’s. I can’t decide which it is and I’m afraid to ask my Titas (aunts) again. Only because I know I can barely grasp the idea that my Lola – the strongest woman and the most vivid and exciting storyteller I know- is losing her memory. There are times where I believe it and then times I don’t. I know that deep down I’ve been avoiding the phone calls because I’m scared. But I’m also scared that if I don’t call her something might happen.

The conversations we do have are nice. We talk about what she did for the day. How I’m doing living on my own. She’s always asking when I’ll move back – sometimes I think about it but decide that I’m just not happy living in the Bay. I noticed that her memory was getting bad only after my Tita mentioned the diagnosis. When she told me I was caught off-guard. During our phone calls I noticed that she would ask me the same questions three or four times during the duration of the call and then the fear would take over. I know I need to cope with this better.

People move to be closer to their families right? Sometimes I wish I had moved out earlier so that I can get over myself sooner and just move back. But I didn’t and I know I won’t.

I’m thinking about the next couple holidays where I know I’m not going to be home. I won’t be home for Thanksgiving because I’ll be traversing through Europe and I won’t be staying in SJ through Christmas because I have obligations to Elliott. I’m literally flying in Friday night before Christmas and flying back home (WA) Sunday specifically for my high school reunion. I can only rally with my family to see if they’ll come up for Christmas but there’s a fat chance of that happening. I know I should spend more time visiting home especially when it’s a two hour flight.

There is not enough time in the world. There is no time to be afraid.

I’ll most likely write about this later on when I’m fully ready but for now I’ll try to get some sleep.

xx/jack

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